A Guide to Coming Out

If you’re feeling ready to share your sexuality or gender identity with other people, you may be wondering what the next steps look like. Here is a guide to help you come out in a way that feels right for you. As an LGBTQ+ person, you might feel like you ‘have’ to come out. But how, and if, you tell your friends and loved ones about your sexuality, should always be your own choice.

How to come out

How you come out will depend on who you’re speaking to. You might want to tell them in person, or you might feel more comfortable writing an email or letter. Having a trusted friend with you may help you to feel more at ease.

When it comes to what you say, that’s completely up to you. You can disclose as much or as little as you want. If you’re struggling to find the words to express how you feel, or you need a little advice to help you navigate these conversations, you could speak to other members of the LGBTQ+ community. They may be happy to share their own coming out stories, and support you in your journey. Reach out to local LGBTQ+ organizations, charities and support groups in your area or online.

When to come out

This will also depend on who you’re speaking to. You might want to organize a meet-up and set aside plenty of time for a conversation, especially if you’re feeling nervous or you think the other person might have lots of questions (remember that you may not have all the answers, and you don’t have to answer anything that makes you feel uncomfortable).

It might be that a moment arises that just feels right - when you’re feeling particularly close or connected to someone, for example.

Where to come out

You might feel happier talking in a private place, or somewhere busier. You may want to be at home, or somewhere nearby so that you can return to a comforting environment after your conversation.

Although this is your journey, you may need to consider the other person’s needs, too. If you suspect they may have an emotional reaction to your news, it might make more sense to talk in private.

Even though the conversations you have may be positive, you might need to have the

same conversation with multiple people. This could be tiring, and you may need some

time to relax afterwards.

Receiving a negative reaction

Unfortunately, negative opinions and misunderstandings about members of the LGBTQ+ community are still common throughout the world. If you do receive hurtful, inappropriate or offensive questions or comments from someone you choose to come out to, it’s entirely up to you how you respond.

If someone at work is treating you unfairly or using discriminatory language, it’s important to speak up. Your workplace should have a policy in place to protect people from discrimination, and should be able to support you.

It can be particularly difficult if someone close to you won’t accept you for who you

are, or continues to question your choices. If you feel safe and comfortable enough to

do so, you could choose to have an open, honest chat with them and explain why their

comments are harmful. However, if you would rather not continue the conversation, that’s

absolutely OK.

Make sure you’re safe

If you think you’re at risk of violence, homelessness or abuse as a result of coming out, you may need to decide whether this is the right time to come out. It may make sense to wait until you’re in a more stable environment, with a stronger support network.

Look after yourself

Coming out can be incredibly liberating, but it can be emotionally challenging, too. It’s important to prioritize yourself and your own needs. Remind yourself that you deserve love and respect. Focus on self-care and surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself.

For more advice on looking after your mental health as a member of the LGBTQ+ community, reach out to your EAP for support. We're here to help.