If Money Talks, Why Aren't We Talking About Money?

If your finances are keeping you up at night, you’re not alone. Recent surveys suggest that nearly half of Canadians are losing sleep over money concerns. It seems that money really does talk. And when it does, for many of us, it tells stories about tossing and turning until the small hours, biting our nails to the quick, and doing constant, exhausting, demoralizing mental math. Coffee and eggs? Scrap the kids’ extracurriculars or cross your fingers about the washing machine leak? Pay the hydro bill in full or make the minimum payment on the credit card? Can you chance another winter with those increasingly wonky snow tires?

Despite how common this kind of financial stress is – and how much money talks – many of us still aren’t talking about money.

Why We Don’t Talk About Money

Like it or not, money is an inescapable part of our modern lives. It’s part of the foundation our well-being rests on. We need it to keep a roof over our heads, put food on the table, access opportunities, take care of our loved ones, and meet many of our basic physical, emotional, and social needs.

Maybe that’s part of why it can be so hard to talk about – it gets at so many of the fundamentals of our lives. There are also other reasons money can feel so taboo to talk about:

• It’s often treated as a private matter. Many of us were raised to believe that talking about money is impolite or even shameful. Talking about it openly can feel like we’re violating an unspoken rule.

• It gets wrapped up with our self-esteem and social status. In our evolutionary history, securing more resources translated into safety, survival, and desirability. Today, talking about money – especially financial stress – can feel like a risk, like we’re opening ourselves up for judgment. This is especially true in the age of social media, where there’s ready access to constant comparisons and the pressure to look financially successful can be particularly strong.

• It’s often tied to strong emotions (like shame, guilt, or fear). Depending on the things we’ve learned and the beliefs we hold about money and our ability to manage it, we may be less comfortable talking about our financial situations, even with those closest to us.

• It’s woven into our cultural norms and social scripts. In some cultures, it might be considered boastful or rude to talk finances. Men may experience more pressure to appear financially competent whereas women are often socialized to avoid money conversations altogether.

Unsurprisingly, we’re often hesitant to have the financial conversations we should be having.

Why We Should Talk About Money

Why should we have conversations that run the risk of being awkward, uncomfortable, or open us up to potential judgement, anxiety, or conflict?

Research suggests that not talking about our finances can contribute to poor financial management, which in turn can contribute to conflict in our relationships. It can also increase our financial stress, which in turn negatively affects our wellbeing. We may not be talking about money, but chances are we’re thinking about it and it’s impacting us.

Conversely, talking about our finances can build our financial confidence and literacy, help us make better financial decisions, and improve how we manage our money. It can increase our sense of control, reduce financial anxiety, and make us feel less alone. Open conversations about money can also help reduce stigma and even contribute to addressing systemic inequities through things like pay transparency and better access to financial education.

How We Can Talk About Money

Whether you’re hoping to get on the same financial page with your family, navigating income inequalities or differences in spending habits with friends, or trying to figure out how to communicate with colleagues about expenses, here are a few things to keep in mind.

In your personal life:

• Reflect on what money means to you. Before broaching conversations about finances, know where you stand. What does money mean for you? Is it about security, self-esteem, freedom, status? What feelings does it bring up? What are your financial habits? These kinds of money scripts can affect how we show up and react in conversations about money.

• Recognize that money means different things to different people. Remember that we all have different money scripts. Start with empathy and the understanding that there isn’t necessarily a “right way” to handle money – it depends on your beliefs and priorities.

• Pick the time and place thoughtfully. Because they can hit nerves for most of us, be mindful of picking calm, quiet moments for financial conversations – especially if they’re high-stakes. Heat-of-the-moment, high-stress moments aren’t likely to lead to constructive conversations.

• Set up regular check-ins. If you want to get on the same page as a family or as partners, schedule monthly or quarterly check-ins to go over your plans and goals together.

• Be open about discomfort. If you feel awkward or anxious talking about finances, say that! Naming the elephant in the room often shrinks it. It also paves the way for a more open, honest conversation.

• A note on children: Model appropriate openness and honesty about finances for your children. Talk to them about things like what money can and can’t do, how to budget, and the benefits and risks of things like credit cards. But be careful not to talk constantly about money (e.g., how expensive things are, how much everything costs, how wealthy – or broke- you are) or to over-share about your own financial stress or anxiety. The goal is to inform and empower, not burden, alarm, or over-emphasize the importance of money.

In your professional life:

• Normalize financial transparency where you can. Where appropriate, be open about finances and advocate for clearer pay structures in your workplace. Transparency benefits everyone, especially those in under-represented groups.

• Be open but professional. Financial openness matters, but it’s also important to be mindful of the context and workplace norms. Share what’s relevant. For example, if your team is chipping in for a gift that’s outside your budget, all you need to say is: “That’s outside my budget. Could we look at other options?”

• Do your homework and stick to the facts. If you’re negotiating your salary or discussing benefits, know your rights and responsibilities. Come prepared with market research and standards. Stick to the facts – results, data, the impact of your work and the value it adds – rather than focusing on your feelings or needs.

And finally, if budget sheets are showing up in your nightmares or you’re looking for support to help manage your finances or financial anxiety, don’t hesitate to reach out through your EFAP to speak to a financial advisor or therapist.